What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
