i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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