The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
