I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
