was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
vagina is talking i cant
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
