my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
