And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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