I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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