Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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