The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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