My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
