Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
