it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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