Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
