i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
