Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
