Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
