Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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