Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
