so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
