She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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