His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
