First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
