Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
