I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
