i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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