My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
