You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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