I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
