How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
