So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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