I'm so fucking centered right now
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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