i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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