All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
