I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
