I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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