Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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