he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
