how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
