I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
