So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
