At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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