Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
