I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
