look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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