How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
