Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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