I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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