Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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