apparently the secret to your success is patron
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
